Tuesday, August 16, 2011

David Sedaris on Republicans and unwanted babies

I find Facebook pretty useless. It's a fun distraction at best -- good for procrastinating when I have a story due (just sent in my last draft yesterday), looking at people's photos and getting birthday wishes. (That was also yesterday. I consider finishing my article a birthday gift to myself. It was like finally wrestling the work albatross from around my neck).
One thing FB is good for is alerting me to when there are new David Sedaris essays, thanks to one FB friend and colleague.
Here's the top from Sedaris's essay in Vanity Fair, "I'm Not Running For President," where he takes on Republicans, and God-fearin', pro-life, anti-gay, anti-immigrant types -- as well as all those candidates who make a fuss of not running for office, when clearly they are looking for free publicity to someday run for office.
"Yesterday morning I announced that, having given it a good think and a whole lot of prayer, I will not be running for president of the United States in 2012. I thought I’d made myself pretty clear, but judging from the flood of calls and e-mails my staff and I have received over the past 24 hours, I can see that I’ve got a bit more explaining to do.
"When I said that God didn’t want me to run, I didn’t mean that He thought me to be in any way inexperienced or “not quite ready to lead.” Far from it. “You’re a lot better qualified than the rest of the pack,” He told me. “Especially what’s-her-name who’s claiming that her candidacy was my idea. I never told her to run for president any more than I told her to marry that fruitcake of a husband. And I’ll tell you something else,” He said. “If the primary were held today, I’d vote for you in a heartbeat.”
"God prefers my ideas on shrinking the government to those of the other Republicans and added that if He could, He would put it in writing that Social Security is a Satanic Ponzi scheme.
"I said, “I wish you would.”
 And more:
"You have babies born addicted to crack and meth, kids who will never be able to think straight, no matter how much money we throw at them. At the same time we have streets blighted with potholes. I’m not suggesting that we train these children to fill the potholes, but that we fill the potholes with these children, just stuff them right down there and cover them with asphalt. Then we take the money we’ve saved and put it toward the deficit.
 O.K. -- so he's no modern Jonathan Swift, but he amuses me.

4 comments:

  1. Are you aware that Asian-Americans have BIG BIG issues with David Sedaris. See the sfgate.com 7/29/11 article by Jeff Yang titled "David Sedaris talks ugly about China"

    For what's it about..."The satirist thinks Chinese people (and food) are repulsive, which makes former Sedaris-fan Jeff Yang sad Here's a question: How should you respond when one of your literary idols decides to take a huge metaphorical dump on the culture and civilization... "

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  2. Happy birthday for yesterday! How's the progress towards the next BIRTH day coming along!

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  3. Don't worry. You won't run out of amusement - Rick Perry is coming.

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  4. Thanks Gweipo!
    I've been off work for 2 weeks, and thank God. I'm just resting and waiting. I'm a little over 37 weeks now, so the baby can come anytime.
    I spent this afternoon at one of those giant baby stores, buying the finishing touches for the nursery. This baby planning business is a lot of work! (And a lot of money)

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